a little bit depressed.

yah . that self esteem high. gone. out the window. imploded into a million peices. I have not gone to the gym since Monday, and in that time I have had baseball but thats just not enough excersise. I had to go to my friends play this evening and tuesday night. so ive been rather busy. I feel like a fat lard.. today's eating wasnt so bad, but I have thesee strange after nap binges..
Breakfast: Two slices of toast one with nutella and one with peanutbutter and honey.. 260
Lunch: nothing
Snack: Beans and rice.. and a cookie.. not sure how many calories..
Dinner.. Sandwich with THREE peices of bread cause my parents got it from a resturant... and I ate almost all of it ugh. I just want my fatass to just fall off now.
Desserts : 2 cookies, and an icecream sandwich.. ugh. killl me.
Punishment tomorrow no food.. whatsoever.

Eff. and this guy keeps wanting to hangout adn I dont think he knows how fat I really am.. i hate to be a disappointment. but i know I will .


I just want to cry.

Grads in 7 days...

self esteem high

I'm feeling pretty good for the last couple of days, schools been good, bodies feeling good..not looking good but feeling good. just kinda happy for once right now. I'm really all about skinny arms and legs, even though skinny legs with a fat stomach aint to hot either.... but yeah main focus arms and legs!

im going crazy..

wow, im a loser. I've started a collection of skinny girls in mostly clothing advertisements.. haha , especailly in the latest american eagle advertisement, and this girls bod is gorgeous.. I will be there one day. I seem to catch myself constantly just staring at girls with skinnny bodies, and I've started to judge everyone else's bodies and eating habits, i dont konw if im a terrible person for this or not.. hmm. Today, I'm feeling like crap, but still feeling pretty good. My Grandma on the weekend said I looked like I had lost weight, and that I looked good. I'm kinda sad I didn't make it the gym this evening, but I was watching my friends in their one acts (drama class shows) it was good . Minus I had a super huge headache so it was kinda hard to concentrate. Food wise today was decent. I did not go over bored. everything I ate was very minimal...
Breakfast: Toast with a skim of peanut butter and honey 130
Lunch: none
Afternoon snack: Banana
Dinner: 6 mini spanikopita triangles 150
Dessert: mini icecream sandwich 90
Settle down the grumble snack : 6 slices of cucumber with some cheese and tea :)

I hope all you ladies are doing lovely ! ♥

not anymore

I cant eat anymore. I just cant.

update ♥ (7:01)

this site is addictiing. I have to do an esssay tonight! ah!
going to the gym though :)


Update ♥ (9:53)
Ive yet to complete the essay. I keep thinking about the guy that wants to hangout with me this weekend, and now theres another one . I know I should be doing this for myself, but I almost want to be perfect for them, so they will like me better. no one likes a fat chick.. starvation mode activated.

my face is as far as i can go so far...

i have no makeuppp on . thus the reason it looks like I have no eyelashes ... but at the same time I really just dont have eyelashes ahha . there stubby

feeling sick :(

not feeling to well today . went to the gym for some reason I ate a lot of suger today ..
pretty bad . and my mom kept feeeding me. I didn't have a lot just a lot of suger. I don't feel to well so im not typing that much . im trying to lose as much as a possibly can before this weeekend cause theres this guy and well enough said. Im most definatly not going to make my goal for may 7 but im really not that heart broken, its only for stupid grad anyways. whatever. im going to go sleep for a bit .

almost.

love this girls arms..

I made throughout the whole day without eating and only drinking tea. then at 7 I ate 7 peanut m&m, 3 chips, 15 cherry blasters, soup.. bread with cheese.. half a cup of garlic mashed potatoes, pineapple juice, and yeah...

ugh. maybe tomorrow I will make it. I really wanna be really skinny before I go visit my grandma in the states this summmer

carbs carbs carbs everywhere...

I'm really sorry guys. I feel like I have to tell you just how crazy I went... I have discovered I eat my feelings. My mother said she didn't want me around anymore, so how did I deal?
Breakfast: Banana bread + chocolate milk
Afterschool snack: Half veggie sammich+tea+7 crispy minis + nutella&bread
Binges: 4pm - Doughnut (long john)
4-8 carrots and plain tortilla chips 2 babybell 2laughing cow cheese
8-9- 4 slices of pizza, I dont eat any toppings ever cuase I think there gross, so its just pizzza bread but still 4... with cheesy dip
10 fibre one chocolate chip granola bar
after my friends house I was going to get candy but thank god the place was closed.. Its a sign.

ugh. I feel really sick which im happy for, My body hasnt consumed that many calories in a long time. probably like 2000 million trillion billion.
I feel like im letting you guys down. I will understand if you rip me to shreds. I am fat I know it.
maybe hearing you guys saying it will help me.

eff.

bad day already.

I don't think I'm going to like today one bit. Pretty much I woke up to my mom telling me after I graduate to get a job and get out. thanks mom. it wasn't like it was funny in anyway , she just wants me gone. and last night wasnt so good either. I was just so upset but I don't even know why.. I hate everything right now.

1160calories

is it selfish of me to want to be skinny, and have someone to hold hands with....

I went to the gym and burned off 600 so that leaves me with 560 calories in my body, plus the one cup of pasta I had about 100calories with sauce and now tea ! so not horrible. I had the worst cramps in the gym all throughout my stomach, but i pushed on till i made 600! :) Oh and I no longer trust my scale. I'm only going by the one at the gym cause it doesn't tell me all sorts of different things. and I jumped on it today and i was at 145.2 before and after my workout , which hopefully means I won't be fluxuating anymore! anyways not a long post. Just wanted to say I havent completely torn myself up!

Hope all you ladies are doing well ! ♥ ♥ ♥

Theres work to be done.

lots of work to do. today I dont know how im feeling . I get really upset with myself when I come home after school and just go crazy and eat little bits of everything. Like half my moms cracker, 3 chips, another half cracker... 2 waffles.. 180 calories for two.. there blueberry flax so thaats not horrible. I went tanning today after school.. dont tell me its bad cause I really don't give a fuck. I hate how my weight fluxuates so much like this morning I was 145.. and when i step on the scale right now... 147, the other day i was one 143 three in the morning after going to bed at 148.2.. I wanna get outta these damn 40's! Im so sick of seeing them.. but maybe I just want to get out of these 145 and aboves.. I can live with 144 but I will be happy with 139 Can it be done? I don't know. I ate some food today..
Breakfast: Yogurt 100
Lunch: Cucumber and Celery+1tbsp of peanut butter.. My dad insisted I take a protein with me.. 125 and sushi...cali rolls from the cafe.. I wasnt even hungry.. 255
Stupid fucking choice of the day: A screamer.. It was small. but why oh why did I finish it . Why oh why did I even get it .. Its soft icecream and slurpee.. im going to say 500.. just guessing. there not like huge its like ugh I doint now. its probably the same as the macdonlads oero mcflurry.
Afterschool Snack : Wafffles 180


dear god im a whale ! I'm off to the gym right now ! 1160
your going to bed with no dinner tonight. and you better work off 800 calories at least at the gym.
Ugh im so sick of myself. I think I'll just starve this weekend. its easy on weekends.

I have nothing to say

Besides.. I ate today. I worked out today. I failed today. and my scale is a little fucker >:(

Little shoutout ! ♥

Just wanted to say to Rose, Liz[ED], Madi, Reme, Gigi (in no particular order) I love you ! All the comments you leave me are wonderful and always keep me going ! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

dream is a wish your heart makes..

should I be happy, or should I just be waiting for the numbers to creep back up and have that damn scale lie to me when I get home. i would so love to eat my yogurt and banana but the scale this morning said 143... and lastnight after the gym adn all that food, not bad food, just a lot. i was 148.2.. mabes it was just all the water. I really dont want to kid myself here. Mabes i'll eat breaky... and then that be it for the day . I have some work with little kids to do for an hour. Mabes if im really hungry I''ll come home and have a few celery sticks. eff. I dont know what to do... should I be happy? hmpf. I have a spare right now .. thus the reason I am posting... slowly getting ready for another godforsaken day trapped inside that cement building >:( . I hate school. HATE IT . hate the judgemental people, most teachers are crazy, I don't understand half the subjects.. but thank god i only need 3 more classes and english it graduate.. so I could fail a few if I really wanted too :) .. but anyways thats not important. I dont konw waht to do . beleive the scale.. or come home and cry? cry like I did last night cause I was so effing frustrated with myself.... i guess I could be happy.. Sunshine tomorrow till Sunday :) woot.

you know.. maybe I'll just have tea. and bring the yogurt to get me through math.... mhm , sounds good.



UPDATE.. 259PM
my scales a jerk and just likes to toy with me. i'm rather sad now..

once again failure..

so i went to the gym and worked off 550 calories. so tonight im coming in 69 under 500 ! :) when you do all the math. I was super determained. but the scale told me other wise.... 148.2 .. eff.
maybe i'll wake up and be skinny.... pft. yeah right. i'm kinda disappointed... mabes it was that damn nutella i ate today... whatever. :|

skipped again..

I am at home cause I didn't feel like going to my class. I hate it...and besides that all i ever think about is how many calories are in the item I may or may not want to eat after school. I am constantly planning meals in my head althrough out the day. today will be better then yesterday. Although.. I may have to get some sushi... or soup. I know im horrible... but I already get headaches everyday with food. and its even worse without food... but im sure I can do this. tonight at the gym im going to push for 800-1000 calories burned. It should take me about 2 hours. UPDATE LATER !

Jealousy!

all you lovelyy ladies are making me so very jealous. So many of you have posted weight loss and here I am with nothing to show. Today I was doing pretty good . I had it under 500 and had i not gone crazy and not binged on that huge peice of sour dough with nutella (350cals) I might be happy and smiley. For some reason after my nap I was super grumpy that I didn't get to sleep for more then 20 minutes, and I had to bike to my baseball practice, and we ran a shit load and all our games are cancelled for this week. So pretty much it sucks real bad. I really hate coming on here and complaining but you guys understand my ranting and can relate, as where my friends would be like oh shut up blah blah blah. and I would want to punch them in the face. anyways I was going for 500 today and I'm 167 over with dinner... I don't know why I had to eat it but I was rather hungry and my body was calling for protein because pretty much my whole bottom half is all muscle. the upper half is all flabby :( lovely. Anyways, 18 tills my first goal. I really neeeeeeeeed to do this. Gym tomorrow? Oh yes I think so. I've become so addicted to these blogs there all I think about. I love you all ! your all thinspos in your own ways ! :) I really wish you guys would post so much more!! I love reading them, and I end up reading them all ! Gah, I just love you guys.

wondering

this girl is so cute! im extra jealous. this is like super thinspo for me !

I wander if i will ever be able to post pictures of myself on here.. I've done it on pretty thin once, but i got scared and took them down. and I wonder if anyone has a blackberry and wants to trade pin numberssssssss... :) for more support when im not near my computer. I think I will post pictures at my thursday weigh in. I have a lot of practices this week . so lots of running around and gym time! yay . this could be happy day. only 18 more days till my absolute deadline for my first goal.

I'm still alive

I thought i would post something letting you all know im still alive. no i have not killed myself yet, but from looking at the scale after this very bingeful weekend I probably should have. I ate a shit load, it was all junk food, the one night i did have some candies, but it was just a lot of food. I just kept eating and eating. I did have a nibble of brownie and an icecream sandwich, but still I ate a lot this weeknd for some reason , it was like i wasnt even thinking, I did go to the gym saturday and sunday. Sunday was not worth it though, I had the worst headache so i only killed 250 calories, and i ate waayyyy over my 500cal limit just eating breakfast that morning at whitespot. Kill me. but dont worry, I got this under control . this week will all be under 500 and all healthy foods, I dont think I deserve any desserts this week, except mabes tea.. its only 45cals cause of the milk and honey :) ... yeah that sounds good . just tea for dessert... and now im going to go eat breaky to get my metabalism going for the day :) update laterss

"Hunger hurts but starving works.."

gah.

Im going to the gym tonight. and im gunna work foreverrrr and burn off everything I ate today .
and im going to use there sleek pretty hightech scale cause mine is crap it keeps chanining everytime ive step on it , its like not electric. I wanna know my exact weight!

I ate fairly healthy today.. minus my sushi slipup.
I ate the worst kinda of sushi Cali rolls. I usually just stick to tuna.. but they dont sell em at our school .
so it was calirolls... bad bad bad. Besides that I had a juicebox 100cals thincookies or whatever. 100cals and 12 crispy mini's 90cals and calirolls.. there ots of cals..255 to be exact .. Ill work that off if it kills me! so right now im sitting at 545.... not bad. UPDATE LATERS :)



update 1051pm

Did not go to the gym tonight! We couldnt get through the tunnel cause there was a fat crash on our main highway outta this little town, and then my parents ended up taking me to whitespot.. and i had psta it was just tomatoe sauce and soem veggies, and i didn't eat it all, but then I came home and had one my mini icecream sandwiches..and today was just all around bingful.. I kept snacking ! tuna and crackers, thinsations.. stuff like that... i mean there not so bad, but there pretty bad. BUT tomorrow I have baseball for an hour and half and then im hitting the gym with mama . not eating tomorrow.. or not a lot I should say and forcing myself to work hard for a good few hours... I really need a proper scale. Mine sucks cause its not electric!


I only have 3 weeks till my first goal! 130 ! or less by May 7 . need to get my ass in gear !

Keep my head up!
ladies, keep your heads up!

so disappoiinting...

I worked my ass off at the gym adn burned 500cals. and only ate 600 today..
came home to do my weight in and im still at 147...
eff my life. I suck. I think i'll go eat now . cause I ain't getting any smaller.


UPDATE...849pm
So I went and ate.. but I got a calorie reduced burger so it was only 440.. and just a bottle of water.
I suppose the world wasnt built in a day... but hopefully 3 weeks. thats all i have to get into atleast an okay looking form for grad... really really going to be restricting hard..

fuck
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

sunshine on a rainy day..

not to bad not to bad. I ate a lot but it was in very small amounts. all in all I ate 560cals .. and then for some odd reason I ate some cake, but i did a bad thing and threw it up anyways. but there is still some in there i know it . probably about 150cals... but i was researching calories burned during baseball and its around 593 for 2 and half hours and thats what we did tonight. so I waws actually -33cals. and then I drank gatorade at baseball 180cals for the whole bottle but i only drank 2/3. after any sport my dad always makes me eat a protein so I had two eggs on one slice of toast and a juice box.. its about 380cals. and thats it . i had to peee so bad the whole game and when i came home and my tummy was so flat. Drink lots of water! and watching ANTM is the best thinspo ever!
and damnnnnnn , my friends want to go out to breakfast tomorrow . but thats all im going to eat for that day is the oatmeal and fruit... its 410, and a oatmeal fills you foreverrrrrrrrr and then im going to the gym that night to burn it all off ! hhaha last minute workout ! (biggest loser :])

I really want good results for thursday
I think I may have an icecream bar... 90cals its mini!

favoritte app!

just a little heads up ! theres an app if you have an i touch thats called lose it! and it keeps track of calories for you. I love it . and excersie. I used to use it before and i forgot how much I love it! :)

UPDATE my day after baseball !

UHOH

im getting bored and the fridge is calling my name ! I'm going to look at my victoria secret catalog and at the bathing suite I really want and these thinspos!

la la la !

Today, was not a bad day. There were a few cheats.. but I did have baseball practice today, and I walked around a lot today. I started off my morning with a grande peppermint soy latte (starbucks) there so yummy ! minus I have to learn to drop the peppermint cause its 20cals a pump, but its not milk its soy so its actually 70 cals less the it usually is. Anyways, that was about 190cals, then I had a bit of cheat becuase I made my friend a cake, but I only had a sliverrrrr just a little taste about (100cals) then I came home and 6 cherry tomatoes its about (5.6cals) , and then I had some jello (100cals) and then I cheated again and had some cheese bread . Kyptonite I swear! >:| it wasnt a lot i split it with my mom and she got the bigger half so about 100cals then I napped to keep myself away from food, got up and had a few crispy minis 6 so 67.5 cals. and then I went to baseball we did a lot of running and batting so i probably burned about 250 cals? and then i came home had a 1/3 cup of yams and a slice about 2 bits of tofu chicken.. so about 80 cals! and now im chugging back the water , still a bit hungry but I will survivve. today is a happy day . I have not touched the scale. I usually check it every hour... but im waiting till thursday!!!. I can hold off im sure. todays total = 643.1
and if you minus the 250 im at about = 393.1 ?

I'm going to bed partially hungry.
I really need to read my book!

I could be somebody...

I really gotta get my ass in gear if I wanna have a good weigh in on thursday!

I want to throw up !

everytime i look at myself I want to throw up, up, UP.. FUCK . i bought all this calorie wise food. and I was doing alright, and im going to the gym but I hate hate hate myself so much . fuck. i just feel like crying, and just smashing every mirror in my room . I'm disgusting. I started my day off with a small green apple (72cals), and then I had my cookie thinsations (1oocals), but then the soup that i have been wating for a month was for lunch today and I had to get some I couldnt stop myself. Im such a fail. FUCK. it was potatoe and cheese (im gunna say 300cals) no salt or anything and I don't eat bacon, So i didnt eat any of the bacon bits. and then I came home and stuffed my fatass face. I came home and had Jello (100cals), a slice of cheese bread (200) and I stuffed my face with cake . cause Im making a cake for my friends birhday tomorrow and I just stuffed my face with the left over peices! EFF. like 5000000calories . HATE MYSELF. I NEED CONTROL SO BAD. EFF.

i'm going to the gym and im going to push myself till i throw up!
throw it all up!

bread. you bastard.

I hate effing bread so much ! it sucks i always always always eat it even though I shouldn't. like today I had a spinach and feta crioisant, and 2 slices of tear apart cheese bread and i had toast in the morning. blah . today was decent minus the bread. I had toast, a quakers chewy bar, coisant a 6 crispy mini's ayam, bread, icecream sandwich, and now im juist ahving tea. I'm thinking instead of all these different diets and failing them im just going to stick to calorie restriction therefore if I eat bread I will not be able to eat much that day at all . I got some yummy things from the grocerie store that will make my life so much easier. I got thinsations cookie packets i think its 100 for each packet. , some crispy mini sweet chilli 12=90cals. lots of fruits and veggies. I'll cut down on milk. drink more water hit the gym lots and lots and just all around watch my calorie consumption . i'm thinking 500 calories a day . thats 100 cals for each meal. breakfast lunch snack dinner and dessert . i got the cutest little 90 calorie icecream sandwiches that are like realy mini there so cute ! so yeah i'll be sticking to 500 calories a day!

baseball was fun today
I certainly hope I can do this!

fails all around

I want to purge cause I binged so badly today.I wouldn't actually I love my teeth to much for stomach acid to ruin them but boy oh boy do I feel so fucking disgusting and I have no control, I hate weekends theres to much time spent looking in the fridge or just floating around my kitchen . today was just bad . adn yesterday was bad cause of all you can eat, I didn't eat like a huge amount but it was alot. And today I had a peanut butter on toast with honey drizzle(160cals) then I hit the gym for a good hour and half a bite of a macdonalds cone(50cals?) fries!(150) but I shared them with my mom and I was driving so she ate most of them, then I had icecream at my moms work (270) I knew i should have gone for the 100cal fruit one but I couldn't control myself. then I when i got home I had pasta with rosemary spices and oil and shrimp(300?) then I had some puff things, like cheese and spinach they are 130cals for 2 and i ate 6 and that equals 780 calories just now ! omg... im not eating tomorrow I dont give a shit if I have baseball and I'm dying. I do not deserve it at all. todays total = 1720 cals...Kill me...

First game tomorrow :)
fuck me. im a failure.

dont want to talk about yesterday...

I want this..

sunny days.. :]

Its a lovely lovely day outside :) after all the hail and wind and rain yesterday. even though yesterday turned out pretty nice too! I'm wearing my pretty yellow racer back shirt, but I will not be showing off this cause my big fat arms hang out of it...I'm always in sweaters and jeans even in the summer time. its no fun. Ofcourse im in jeans 365 days of the year just cause my legs are hella ugly from sports. haha. I weighed myself this morning rather then tonight because I know after tonight I will just come home and be highly upset and I don't want to feel that way . I'm going to all you can eat sushi. I don't usually eat a lot but I definantly will watch what I get . I usually only do miso and some rolls anyways. I won't eat for the whole day either (we're going at 930) its harder to fill a very empty stomach I discovered. I'll remember the tricks and tips I read in someones blog :] (skinnyflavour.blogspot.com) "a drink of water between every bite" today is an easy day for me to not eat cause I have two less classes where people can hear my stomach growl. sorry I'm just ranting . but im kinda happy right now . but wait I forgot. 7 day gym membership that was free ranout last night, and my parents don't want to get me a membership. I love that gym I don't feel self concious there cause theres no one there I know, and you can stay on the equipment as long as you like.. :(

I haven't had baseball in forever.
keep control.....keep control

Starting Saturday.. :) GM Diet

I will be starting the GM diet Saturday . I'll keep you posted. It will work better for me then the faast seeing as I have sports to play and with low energy I can't preform well. Sorrry ladies :[ I may jump in at some point though! :D

I WAS doing good..

fucking eff me. I was doing fairly decent all day. I didnt eat anything just stuck to my tea. and then near the end of the day people just got to me . I had a lollipop (60cals) and a spoonful of tomatoe basil soup.. not sure how many 2 mabes? and then I came home had more tea. didnt eat anything. had a mini creme egg! (40cals)thankgod there all gone now. even though i ate them... went to the gym couldnt do the best workout due to lack of energy and a headache. came home and fucking ate ate ate ate. I had rice and chop salad (vegetables finely diced) then I had a peice of sour dough with peanut butter and honey . Eff my life. And tomorrow im going to all you can eat sushi... sushi is my kryptonite. its horrible. ohwell I think ill do dinner only plan for a little while dont eat till dinner dont eat efter dinner kinda deal............UGH . oh and i went on the scale ! i couldnt stay away not even for a day. I'll just pretend it never happend..

fucking failure
tomorrow will be good.

stolen

I stole an idea from a blogger I follow. And i think to safe myself the grief im going to post weigh in days. mhmmmmmmmmm.

guilty as charged.

I think i weigh myself like 7-8 times a bloody day . today was just an all around bad bad day.
I ate and ate and ate...and ATE! jesus. no self control whats so ever. im disgusting. still at 145 thank god, but it wont be around for long if i keep this up! Today I ate in order. A banana(107) for breakfast like I always do just cause it keeps my stomach quiet for my first two classes cause they are quiest thinking classes and if i dont have it my mind boggles, and my stomach growls (very embarrasing) then I found another fucking creme egg in my purse the big one! (160cal.) then I was fine when I came home , but then my friend came and picked me up and I had 1.50 in my pocket. and me+money+friend+timhortons= one chocolate chip muffin(430cal)! jesus...and now that ive discovered this I will never ever touch another fucking timmys muffin again. then I had 2 strawberries(5.4cals), a bowl of cantalope(108cals)then I had half a slice of cobs sour dough bread with cheese... Im not sure exactly how much but im going for (250cals) then I had eggs on another peice of bread(330cals.) ANOTHER MUTHERFUCKING CREME EGG(160cals.) ( there gunna be the end of me) oh and a juice box (90cal) lets tally this up... 1550.4 calories with no form of excersise was so ever. I should just go get my fucking jaw broken , I feel so guilty. FUCK .

I will not eat tomorrow. I will not eat tomorrow. I will not eat tomorrow!
gym tomorrow. gunna push real hard.

Scale keeps telling me no :[

So today was pretty bad, I had a lot of cheats! I started out good cause I had a banana for breaky. but then I found a 1.25 in my purse.. and I went and spent it on food ! A peice of banana bread to be exact. And then in English I had a mini oreo :( After school I had a half a peice of Sour dough bread and cheese and some fruit, and then I had a mini creme egg! :( (GOD I CANT KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!) I decided to occupie myself from getting bored and eating so I decided to dye my hair. Its black now with an indigo shine :) At 6:00 I hit the gym with my mom. Did 20 minutes of weight lifting and what not then 5 walk 15 job 5 cool down. then I went on the elyptical did 15 straight getting in about 3500 strides. 167 strides a minute.. I think . I still came home and had MORE FOOD. a small bowl of veggie pasta and spinach salad... and I just had another fucking creme egg. eff easter! its haunting me! but im almost out anyways... :) I didnt have that many to begin with but they were still eaten by me. Ive yet to see 141 on my scale again.. hopefully by the weekend. I wish some boy would peak my intrest so I could really get this transformation going then I would have two things to work for instead of just one. I need some motivation!

First Game tomorrow. Super nervous
141...141 just chant it with me